The first twenty-four hours
Your child rehearsed this conversation for months. You are hearing it for the first time. Today you do not need to understand, or to say anything wise. You need to stay in the room.
What actually helps today
Thank them for telling you
It was frightening, and it could easily not have happened. That they chose you means something — say so out loud.
“I love you” is enough
It does not have to be more than that today. The rest has time.
Be honest if you are struggling
“I do not know what to think, but nothing between us changes.” Performed calm is heard immediately.
Do not ask “are you sure”
To you it sounds like concern. To them it lands as a request to take the words back. The same goes for “maybe you do not know yet”.
Ask what they want next
Who knows, who must not know, and what they are afraid of — at school, in the neighbourhood, at home.
Twenty years from now your child will remember the first few minutes. Not the words — your face.
You did not cause this
Almost every parent asks it silently: is this my fault. No, and that is measured. In a Swedish population-based twin study, shared environment — the home and the upbringing common to siblings — explained .00 of the variance in men and .16–.17 in women. Zero in men: everything two brothers share, including you, explained nothing.
In 2021 the American Psychological Association called “discredited” the idea that same-gender attraction is caused by adverse childhood events or family dysfunction.
Guilt does not leave because of one table. That is why there is a whole page for it.
The full argument, with the studiesWhen there is real danger
The risk does not come from the orientation but from what follows it: rejection, hiding, bullying. Of those, the family is the only one entirely in your hands. Nobody can bring that risk down as much as you can — today, for free, without a specialist.
When to get help now, not later
- They talk about wanting to disappear, about everyone being better off without them, or about there being no point.
- They give their things away, say goodbye oddly, or suddenly go calm after a bad stretch.
- New or increasing self-harm.
- They stop eating, sleeping, or leaving their room for more than a few days.
If your child is under 18
The national child helpline 116 111 is free and round the clock. They can call, and so can you — it advises parents too. If life is in immediate danger, call 112.
All the verified linesSchool and the 2024 law
Since August 2024 the Preschool and School Education Act bans “propaganda, promotion or incitement in any way, directly or indirectly, of ideas and views related to non-traditional sexual orientation and/or determining a gender identity different from the biological one”.
The ban applies to education — not to your home, and not to this site. But your child’s counsellor, school psychologist and form teacher are now careful about what they say. Whatever the school may no longer say, for now you have to say it.
Bullying is separate and has nothing to do with the ban. It is not a grey area, and the school has duties. Report it in writing to the head teacher, and upwards if nothing happens.
The exact text of the lawHarm done out of love
Nothing here is done by bad parents, but by frightened ones. Here is what it achieves.
“It is a phase”
It lands as “I do not believe you, I will wait for this to pass”. Next time they tell you nothing — and next time may be when they need you.
Therapy that promises change
No research shows it is safe or effective. Research links it with nearly double the odds of suicidal ideation, even after adjusting for a difficult childhood. The UN describes these practices as degrading, inhuman and cruel. Anyone promising a result is selling you something.
Telling relatives on their behalf
Coming out is theirs — to each person separately, when they choose. Taking that away is a betrayal.
Ultimatums and conditions
“As long as you live under my roof” makes a home a place people run from. Homelessness among LGBT young people comes from exactly those kitchens.
The unspoken truce
Silence looks like peace. To the child it is a daily reminder that part of them is tolerated rather than accepted.
You need someone too
Needing time does not make you a bad parent. But process it elsewhere — a friend, a therapist, another parent who has been through it — and not in front of your child, who otherwise feels responsible for your grief too. The organisations below work with parents as well: you do not have to be “from the community” to call.
Who helps, in which city, and with whatSources
The same sources as “Not a choice” and “Your rights”. Verified on 14 August 2026.
- Långström et al., Genetic and environmental effects on same-sex sexual behavior: a population study of twins in Sweden
- APA Resolution on Sexual Orientation Change Efforts
- Blosnich et al., Sexual Orientation Change Efforts, Adverse Childhood Experiences, and Suicide Ideation and Attempt
- Madrigal-Borloz, Practices of so-called “conversion therapy” (A/HRC/44/53)
- Preschool and School Education Act (consolidated text, in Bulgarian)
- National child helpline 116 111
Read next
- Not a choiceWhether it is a choice — what the research shows
- Mental healthWhat your child is going through, in their words
- OrganisationsWho works with parents too, not only with children
- Your rightsWhat the school is no longer allowed to say